Is Beauty Our Most Potent Currency In Life?

Girls and women are hearing a lot of messages these days regarding empowerment.  I for one genuinely hope there is a tidal wave of enlightenment that leads to permanent and meaningful change. To do so we clearly have a lot of work to do.  How do you teach young girls to be fierce and confident when it takes most women years if not a lifetime to evolve into a person who recognizes her own self worth?

The media preys on the insecurities and vulnerabilities of women and girls.  Young girls have very little media literacy and expecting them to deconstruct the endless words and images presented to them each day is unrealistic.  Do we really want to create another generation of walking wounded?

 Instagram and Facebook work for celebrities because they are promoting themselves as a brand selling drama, perfection and most importantly products. They understand the distinction between their brand, which happens to be their job and who they truly are. It creates an illusion of perfection, and sets often unattainable standards for the rest of us.  A more insidious ramification is that young girls on FB and Insta come to rely on a lot of outside validation in the form of “Likes”.  I personally admit to spending way too many hours and years either covering up or trying to alter myself, striving to fit into the narrow societal standards as to how we should look and act. Now well into my sixties I wish I could have some of the hours back that I spent chasing skinny, fit and wrinkle free. I’d allot that time to more valuable endeavors or to simply enjoying life while broadening my perspective, living a more enriched and carefree existence.

What is the price for all of this? First let’s recognize the price in terms of time and dollar’s spent. Here is the short list:

-       Take knives and poisonous needles to our bodies.

-        Rip out unwanted hair

-        Dye hair

-        Tattoo on makeup

-        Paint our nails and toes

-       Workout to trim and sculpt where fat naturally resides

-       Apply acid to our faces to burn off spots and wrinkles, endlessly pursuing beauty and agelessness.

-       Endlessly starve ourselves

Exhausted and broke yet?

Perhaps the most disturbing price paid is by young girls who learn through legacy that appearance is their most powerful asset.  They believe it will be their most potent currency in life.

What can we do about all of this?  We as hopefully wiser men (yes men need to do their part!) and women need to practice more self awareness regarding the messages we send to the younger versions of us. We can start modeling behavior that demonstrates self-acceptance. Be aware that flippant remarks and attitudes are destructive as are constant comparisons and can have grave consequences. We can hold each other accountable. We can stop striving for perfection to which there is no finish line and pursue excellence. We must teach kids that editing yourself to please anyone else ultimately makes you feel less powerful!  Talk to kids about who they surround themselves with.  Point out that a group won’t give you an identity, that it simply reinforces what is in you and does not replace it.  It’s hard to keep a grip on who you are when you surround yourself with people who don’t value you. We must change the pattern of seeking self worth from outside validation to nurturing self worth through acceptance, accomplishment and action.

There are some amazingly powerful programs that teach young girls and boys to value themselves.  While training as an instructor for one such program I assisted in a weeklong summer camp for girls aged 9-13.  I witnessed first hand the change that took place.  These girls, who began the week with mostly reserved demeanors, barely looking at each other and speaking up reluctantly when asked to contribute to the conversation, were transformed.   By the end of the week, these young girls walked a little taller, spoke more assuredly and were kinder to themselves and to others!  It was powerful, remarkable and moving!  There are so many more programs out there. RealGirl, Girls Inc., Girls On The Run and Moving Traditions to name a few.  We need to support them.

We can’t outshout the media messages but every single one of us can do our part to affect change.  We’re off to a good start as evidenced by the women’s marches held in the past year and the #Metoo movement. Let’s support more pervasive conversation surrounding this topic.  We have plenty of role models.  We just have to stop deifying appearance above all else. Deriving power from external beauty cannot be our primary currency in life. Using our collective voice in all of its forms and leveraging it is how women triumph, affect widespread change and truly become fierce!

***To explore this topic with kids, BUY my children’s book or contact Marilyn Frias go to www.inmyselfibelieve.me   Discounts offered for bulk  for non profits.

Also offered on amazon:  https://www.amazon.com/Myself-I-Believe-Marilyn-Frias/dp/0692834605/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1489102262&sr=8-1&keywords=in+myself+i+believe

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TRANSITIONS

Transitions

It’s official; I’m no longer sniffin sixty.  I’m a few weeks out.  I keep telling everyone that I’m sixty.  I think if I say it enough I’ll be so used to it by the time it actually occurs that it will be a smooth passing.  The truth is, transitions are tough. From marriage to kids, to divorce or new relationships, job changes and so on and so on. 

The “sixty thing” has personally, been my latest transition and challenge.  I know I’m not alone in feeling that it’s a challenge.  All I have to do is pick up the phone and call one of my friends or read an article in More Magazine or AARP.  Even the “hip” magazines geared to a younger audience are filled with articles on remaining ageless. It’s not so much that I feel like I’m getting old it’s simply that I’m astonished that so much time has gone by.

My son has just recently moved home after graduating college.  This is definitely a transition. We’re a work in progress getting to know one another as adults. He’s not interested in my recycled wisdom, which is probably a good thing….it’s better that he learns from his own life lessons. Maybe being needed is overrated.  Sure he likes having home cooked meals in the frig.  and free rent, but he certainly doesn’t need it. 

What has become clear to me is that I need to learn to enjoy the present. Raising families, we spend so much time multi-tasking that it fills us up.  When we’re not needed so much anymore, how do we fill that hole?  Slowing down is not easy and maybe that’s the way it’s supposed to be.  It’s a skill to be learned, like truly enjoying a sunset or a meal or just immersing yourself in the moment.  Not so much filling time and checking off a to do list, but really being present.  I know I sound like one of those new age guru’s, but I’m pretty sure we’ve all felt it at times…a perfect ski run, an afternoon in the garden, sitting around the table with family, just letting conversation flow or relaxing on the deck, surrounded by beauty and solitude, when our most pressing thought is “I wonder if there’s any more chocolate left in the house?”.

Everything has been static and comfortable for a long time now.  So I guess it’s time for a transition. I’m starting to see this passing of time as an opportunity.  An opportunity to take a risk, because when we push outside of our comfort zones, we grow and learn the most about ourselves.  So with this crossing over into the next decade comes not only acceptance, but excitement as well.   Yes, I’m not so happy when I look in the mirror.  Maybe I just need to develop a new attitude.  See my wrinkles as war paint, earned in the trenches of parenting and middle age. Or maybe I should be more grateful that I have them so that I can move forward with the wisdom and rich experiences gained over the last sixty years!

BUCKET LIST

There’s no escaping it…..a new year is upon us.

I was talking to a friend awhile ago and she remarked that she no longer intends to make New Year’s Resolutions and instead will make a “Bucket List”. I’m not sure where the phrase bucket list comes from and I’ve never seen the movie, but I assume it’s a list of things you’d like to do before you “kick the bucket”.

Regardless the idea resonated with me. As the self designated chair of the sniffin’ 60 club I’m a lot less resolute these days anyway. The truth is, as of recent, my personal quest has been focused on becoming more of myself than becoming who I think I’m supposed to be. My past new year’s resolutions often felt like things I should do as opposed to wanted to do. Thus, my bucket list was formed with an eye to things that bring me joy, enrich my life and are just darn fun. Here’s the short list:

Stop counting calories, aches and pains and count my blessings instead.

Lecture less and listen more to my amazing kids, because they are now adults with insightful and imaginative thoughts to share.

Throw more impromptu get togethers because I truly believe that a hectic house is a happy house.

Eat a bit of chocolate everyday because NOTHING gives me more instant gratification.

Go night time skinny dipping in a warm pool as I did as a kid because there is nothing quite as freeing.

Wear a bikini one more time even if I don’t take off my coverup and still insist on standing in the back row for photographs.

Do tequila shots with friends and not worry about how I’ll feel too hungover to make my workout the next day.

Sing Karaoke with abandon. (Maybe after the tequila shots)

Play more and workout less. You get the same result and have so much more fun.

Stay home on a snowy day and watch endless episodes of Glee and Parenthood while making chocolate chip cookies and eating the dough, knowing I won’t stop until I have a full fledged stomach ache.

Watch Ted Talks videos (ted.com/talks) often not only because they’re interesting but because they are so very inspiring and give me hope.

View more youtube videos of comedians Jon Pinette and Loretta LaRoche because a good belly laugh is worth everything.

Would love to hear from some of you as to what’s on your list.

Here’s to a year filled with bucket list moments!

THE BITCHES ARE (NOT BACK) BUT HERE TO STAY

The emails read “Hike Smuggler 10 AM who’s in?” Or “Fri. Bike Bells 9 AM then lunch at Peaches for Sally’s B-day”. Yes it’s in shorthand but it doesn’t matter because we tend to finish each others sentences anyway! These communications come minimally once a week. My girlfriends are a big part of my life. When life allows, I probably spend as much time with them as I do with my family. One of them remarked that with this group of friends, she’s had the longest, enduring and most constant friendships of her life and I think that holds true for most of us. We’ve shared kids woes, marital woes, weight woes, hormonal woes and vacations and celebrations too numerous to count with and with out our spouses and families.

How do I know that these friendships are authentic? Well, for one thing we keep one another’s secrets and confidences, which is a whole lot easier these days as we all tend to forget a lot and seem to be losing our minds together! We check in with weekly stream of consciousness phone calls, talk about the same things over and over that take up way too much of our day and that our spouses are not even remotely interested in listening to. And even though we know we should get off the phone, we always have just one more pressing thing to say! We all believe that through our collective wisdom we can solve just about anything the world throws our way. We take the time to make one another feel special. We celebrate all of our birthdays together. It’s often times just a simple walk and meet for coffee but no one is forgotten. Like all women we can be insecure, petty and judgmental at times but we all know with complete certainty that if there is a need we’d be there for one another at the drop of a hat no questions asked.

The dynamic of the group is interesting as well. We all have different personalities and backgrounds. Some are native “aspenites” and others moved here from other parts of the country, married and ended up raising our families in this glorious place. We are together, crazy, intense, competitive, caring, fun, needy, supportive, curious, creative, complicated, gracious and so very fortunate to be a part of one anothers lives.

We spur each other on to be more, do more and be better women and friends. Through it all as we’ve grown together I’ve learned to judge less and understand more. Because of my girlfriends I laugh harder and with abandon from experiences shared over years that are treasured.

Stop Look Listen to One Another and Share!

Sitting at a restaurant last week I couldn’t help but notice the couple at the next table. They both had their smart phones on the table which continually rang, sang to them or buzzed. Out of the 60 min. they were there it’s safe to say that at least half of that time their attention was diverted to their phones. I assumed they both were trauma surgeons because whatever drew their attention from each other surely must have been life threatening!

Technology has certainly made our lives easier in many respects, but I’m not so certain it hasn’t been detrimental to interpersonal communication. It’s tough to complete a conversation, much less a thought with the constant nagging of phone sounds or distraction of texts. Does any of this sound familiar? Mom is on the computer, Dad is on his phone, Billy is watching TV, Danny is playing a video game, Sally is on her ipad and Tyler is listening to his ipod with his headphones on all the while our extra appendages (our phones) are buzzing, urging us to pay attention to them. These are all solo endeavors. If we don’t learn at home, within our own four walls to communicate with one another how the heck are we supposed to learn to connect and communicate with our neighbors or the larger world around us?

There are ways to make connections that occur naturally and often cross inter-generational boundaries. It often happens by way of our passions, hobbies and interests.
We’re defined by these things and sometimes our lives are even altered by them. For example people will say “I’m a Yankee’s fan” or “I’m a skier or cyclist”. I moved to Aspen in the seventies because at that time in my life nothing was more important to me than skiing. I met my husband and raised a family here in the Colorado Rockies and it all came about because I was passionate about skiing!

My daughter attended two different universities until she found the right school for herself. She knew she wasn’t a sorority girl or big partier. And although she didn’t want to major in it, she loved performing and theater. That turned out to be her connection. She joined an improv. comedy club and immediately made a whole group of new friends. In fact today, five years later, they are still some of her most cherished friends although they no longer perform together or live in the same town.

My parents passed along to my siblings and I a love of boating. Every summer while growing up we would head to The Colorado River for two weeks of skiing, tubing, cards, fishing, cliff jumping, games and family time. We now do the same with our kids on Lake Powell and my grown children say it’s still their favorite vacation. I have no doubt they’ll be doing the same with their families.

My in-laws loved to play cards. They had card groups and would meet once a month for an evening of bridge or poker with the same group of friends for years. They indoctrinated our kids very early on as they would patiently play “Go Fish” endlessly. As the kids grew the card games became more complicated and interesting as did the table conversation. Hours of sitting around the kitchen table playing cards led to hours of conversation with their grandparents. They learned their grandfather fought in a war, worked in a dairy, and that he never ran out of jokes to tell! What a lovely way to connect! In case you were wondering…..there were no cell phones ringing or text messages that needed immediate attention!

Golf has also been an enduring connector in our family. My husband’s dad taught him to play as a child and he in turn taught our son. They took father son golf trips together and today my husband and son now do the same. They not only play but also place small bets on the weekly televised golf tournaments. This leads to weekly calls every single Thurs. night to place their bets. I was resistant to get into golf, until I realized that I’d get four hours of uninterrupted time playing a round with my son. I quickly took up the sport!

My daughter and I share a love of musical theater. We watch the Tony Awards every year to select which shows we’d like to see. Then every couple of years as time and finances allow, we go to New York and see non-stop theater as we connect over great pastrami sandwiches.

So whether it’s fishing, gardening, cooking, stamp collecting, chess or whatever your hobby or passion is, it pays to share it. Enthusiasm is catching and just may shape your life and connect you to others in unforeseen and extraordinary ways.

Raising Kids: Gracious vs Greedy

Raising Kids: Gracious vs. Greedy

Every year about this time I would pose a question to my kids. What do you intend to do this year that is not about you? In their younger years the usual response was rolled eyes and a big sigh of resignation. They knew this was one request I actually would follow through with.

In our home we celebrated both Hanukkah and Christmas. Very early on it became clear to my husband and me that as much as we enjoyed our holiday traditions, the gifts became excessive. So we came up with a plan. We would light Hanukkah candles for all eight nights. The kids would receive a gift on the first and second nights. For the remaining nights we asked them to designate a charity that we would donate to on their behalf. They had to do a little bit of research and convince us as to why we should give our hard earned pennies to these organizations.

Raising kids is a tough business riddled with uncertainty. But there was one thing I knew for certain. I did not want my kids to become part of the “whatever” generation. It was important to me that they learn a sense of community and develop a global consciousness, feeling empowered through accomplishment and action rather than entitlement.

This current generation of youth has often been characterized by a strong sense of entitlement, political and social apathy, tuning in more often to The Jersey Shore than The State of the Union Address. But I also see a majority of them that do not hesitate to roll up their sleeves, dig in the dirt and pitch in to build a school or home for those less privileged than themselves.

Last summer at The Aspen Ideas Festival I had the opportunity to hear Pulitzer Prize winning journalists Nicholas Kristof and Sheryl Wudunn. Together they wrote a book titled “Half the Sky” about women turning oppression into opportunity. In the course of their research they found empirical data stating that in life it’s near impossible to raise your level of “happy” once your essential needs such as food, shelter and safety have been met. The only proven way to do so is to contribute to something larger than yourself.

What they said stuck with me. There are so many ways we can raise our kids to be contributors. A funny thing happens when they do so….they feel good about themselves. We all know you can’t buy self esteem. Maybe in place of some of the gifts we give this holiday season, we can give our kids an opportunity to contribute. Start a discussion, pose a question. Ask them what cause they feel connected to and why. Is there an organization that has affected their life in a positive or even life altering way i.e. youth sports, church or synagogue, a drama or chess club. If they choose they can volunteer some of their time or make a contribution of money that you can match.

Another engaging way to give is to create a family tradition around an annual event or cause. When my daughter was about six years old we signed up for the Race for the Cure, which raises money for breast cancer research. I thought we were going to walk or jog the entire way. Instead she and her friend did cartwheels for part of every mile. It not only was fun but provided an opportunity for us to discuss the many ways you can help others and why as a community it is vitally important that we do so.

A friend of mine does something I consider truly inspiring. For the twelve days leading up to Christmas she gives her family a gift requiring graciousness each day and asks that they think about doing the same. One day the gift may be “enthusiasm” and the next the gift of “undivided attention”. She includes surprise, wonder, joy and so on. It takes creativity and energy to come up with actions that represent thoughtfulness and mindful action.

My grown kids no longer roll their eyes when I ask them what they intend to do this year that’s not about themselves. When philanthropy is taught at young ages as opposed to later when the primary concern is padding their college resumes, it becomes a part of their identity and who they are. It’s not always easy and it takes some work but the outcome is well worth the price of admission. Besides, you end up with people who are far more “gracious than greedy”.

Brains & Braun

Try this. Sit at your desk for seven hours straight with only two twenty minute breaks. One for lunch and one to move around. Can you stay focused and do your best work? This is what we ask of our kids, five days a week nine months out of the year. Now that time allotted for physical education and recess has been drastically reduced this is what their day looks like. I don’t know about anyone else but if I take a break and go for a walk or a bike ride I’m actually more productive and focused when I return to my desk.

Recess and P.E. are necessary. It’s where kids learn about their bodies, de-stress and unwind. They need time when they do not have to prove themselves to their parents or coaches and are not put in performance situations as they are in competitive sports. In addition they need time for sports and games that are not adult directed. Kids develop valuable social skills by making up their own games, picking their own teams, creating their own rules and solving their own disputes.

According to The National Alliance for Youth Sports 75% of kids drop out of organized sports by age 13. This year alone that would mean approximately 40 million boys and girls. Just when we want to keep them busy! When surveyed the main reason given for dropping out is that it’s not fun anymore. We need to put the fun back into sports. When kids play sand lot sports they own the life lessons they learn, whether it’s teamwork, leadership, accountability, problem solving, character building…the list goes on. Within this dynamic they discover who they are and how they fit in. Decisions are not made for them and structure is not provided. They are the “boss of them” for better or for worse!


I recently read a New York Times Magazine article titled “Phys Ed: Can Exercise Make Kids Smarter?” All of us wildly ambitious parents need to read the full article. The author sites compelling studies both long and short term that provide evidence that “being fit may enhance nuerocognition” and “that as little as 20 minutes of aerobic exercise before a test raised childrens scores.” Another study in Sweden found that “among more than a million 18-year-old boys who joined the army, better fitness was correlated with higher I.Q.’s, even among identical twins. There’s no evidence that exercise leads to higher I.Q., but researchers suspect that aerobic exercise, not strength training, produces specific growth factors and proteins that stimulate the brain.”


Getting kids to move is really not very difficult….asking them to sit still can be. I thought it would be interesting to try a little experiment. Both adults and kids can try this. Take away all unnecessary electronic equipment for one day. (Obviously computers are needed for homework) I’m talking video games, cell phones, television, iPods etc. Now attach a pedometer to your belt or pocket. On another day utilize the pedometer using electronics as you would on a normal day. The outcome is pretty predictable but the actual numbers on the pedometer may surprise you. Now multiply the number times 365 days a year and the sedentary days in front of the computer or television etc. really add up. Obviously none of us are going to give up our electronics, but if there is awareness, maybe it will inspire us to cut back our usage of some of these things and get up and move a little more.

The way adults model and view exercise is worth exploring as well as our kids tend to adopt their parents practices. There is a reason the word work is in workout. It’s great that we take pride in keeping ourselves healthy and fit. But I contend that it’s difficult to sustain a lifetime of consistent fitness habits when it’s work!! Going to the gym and pedaling a bike going nowhere is tough to do day in and day out. Realistically if the workout is fun and engaging we’ll be more apt to go back and do it the next day. I took up ice hockey well into my forties and couldn’t believe the workout I got and the fun I had! I’ve never played a sport I enjoy so much but have so little aptitude for! Regardless, every time I tie my skates I feel excitement. If team sports isn’t your thing how about dance or martial arts to name a few. If you live in a place with bike paths get out of the car and ride and walk more. Take the stairs and park your car further from the grocery store. As examples for our kids let’s model a life in motion. As long as we’re moving it’s got to be good. My experience has been that to sustain lifelong fitness we need to make it a habit and just as importantly feel the joy in it!