Raising Kids: Gracious vs Greedy

Raising Kids: Gracious vs. Greedy

Every year about this time I would pose a question to my kids. What do you intend to do this year that is not about you? In their younger years the usual response was rolled eyes and a big sigh of resignation. They knew this was one request I actually would follow through with.

In our home we celebrated both Hanukkah and Christmas. Very early on it became clear to my husband and me that as much as we enjoyed our holiday traditions, the gifts became excessive. So we came up with a plan. We would light Hanukkah candles for all eight nights. The kids would receive a gift on the first and second nights. For the remaining nights we asked them to designate a charity that we would donate to on their behalf. They had to do a little bit of research and convince us as to why we should give our hard earned pennies to these organizations.

Raising kids is a tough business riddled with uncertainty. But there was one thing I knew for certain. I did not want my kids to become part of the “whatever” generation. It was important to me that they learn a sense of community and develop a global consciousness, feeling empowered through accomplishment and action rather than entitlement.

This current generation of youth has often been characterized by a strong sense of entitlement, political and social apathy, tuning in more often to The Jersey Shore than The State of the Union Address. But I also see a majority of them that do not hesitate to roll up their sleeves, dig in the dirt and pitch in to build a school or home for those less privileged than themselves.

Last summer at The Aspen Ideas Festival I had the opportunity to hear Pulitzer Prize winning journalists Nicholas Kristof and Sheryl Wudunn. Together they wrote a book titled “Half the Sky” about women turning oppression into opportunity. In the course of their research they found empirical data stating that in life it’s near impossible to raise your level of “happy” once your essential needs such as food, shelter and safety have been met. The only proven way to do so is to contribute to something larger than yourself.

What they said stuck with me. There are so many ways we can raise our kids to be contributors. A funny thing happens when they do so….they feel good about themselves. We all know you can’t buy self esteem. Maybe in place of some of the gifts we give this holiday season, we can give our kids an opportunity to contribute. Start a discussion, pose a question. Ask them what cause they feel connected to and why. Is there an organization that has affected their life in a positive or even life altering way i.e. youth sports, church or synagogue, a drama or chess club. If they choose they can volunteer some of their time or make a contribution of money that you can match.

Another engaging way to give is to create a family tradition around an annual event or cause. When my daughter was about six years old we signed up for the Race for the Cure, which raises money for breast cancer research. I thought we were going to walk or jog the entire way. Instead she and her friend did cartwheels for part of every mile. It not only was fun but provided an opportunity for us to discuss the many ways you can help others and why as a community it is vitally important that we do so.

A friend of mine does something I consider truly inspiring. For the twelve days leading up to Christmas she gives her family a gift requiring graciousness each day and asks that they think about doing the same. One day the gift may be “enthusiasm” and the next the gift of “undivided attention”. She includes surprise, wonder, joy and so on. It takes creativity and energy to come up with actions that represent thoughtfulness and mindful action.

My grown kids no longer roll their eyes when I ask them what they intend to do this year that’s not about themselves. When philanthropy is taught at young ages as opposed to later when the primary concern is padding their college resumes, it becomes a part of their identity and who they are. It’s not always easy and it takes some work but the outcome is well worth the price of admission. Besides, you end up with people who are far more “gracious than greedy”.