Raising Kids: Gracious vs. Greedy
Every year about this time I would pose a question to my kids. What do you intend to do this year that is not about you? In their younger years the usual response was rolled eyes and a big sigh of resignation. They knew this was one request I actually would follow through with.
In our home we celebrated both Hanukkah and Christmas. Very early on it became clear to my husband and me that as much as we enjoyed our holiday traditions, the gifts became excessive. So we came up with a plan. We would light Hanukkah candles for all eight nights. The kids would receive a gift on the first and second nights. For the remaining nights we asked them to designate a charity that we would donate to on their behalf. They had to do a little bit of research and convince us as to why we should give our hard earned pennies to these organizations.
Raising kids is a tough business riddled with uncertainty. But there was one thing I knew for certain. I did not want my kids to become part of the “whatever” generation. It was important to me that they learn a sense of community and develop a global consciousness, feeling empowered through accomplishment and action rather than entitlement.
This current generation of youth has often been characterized by a strong sense of entitlement, political and social apathy, tuning in more often to The Jersey Shore than The State of the Union Address. But I also see a majority of them that do not hesitate to roll up their sleeves, dig in the dirt and pitch in to build a school or home for those less privileged than themselves.
Last summer at The Aspen Ideas Festival I had the opportunity to hear Pulitzer Prize winning journalists Nicholas Kristof and Sheryl Wudunn. Together they wrote a book titled “Half the Sky” about women turning oppression into opportunity. In the course of their research they found empirical data stating that in life it’s near impossible to raise your level of “happy” once your essential needs such as food, shelter and safety have been met. The only proven way to do so is to contribute to something larger than yourself.
What they said stuck with me. There are so many ways we can raise our kids to be contributors. A funny thing happens when they do so….they feel good about themselves. We all know you can’t buy self esteem. Maybe in place of some of the gifts we give this holiday season, we can give our kids an opportunity to contribute. Start a discussion, pose a question. Ask them what cause they feel connected to and why. Is there an organization that has affected their life in a positive or even life altering way i.e. youth sports, church or synagogue, a drama or chess club. If they choose they can volunteer some of their time or make a contribution of money that you can match.
Another engaging way to give is to create a family tradition around an annual event or cause. When my daughter was about six years old we signed up for the Race for the Cure, which raises money for breast cancer research. I thought we were going to walk or jog the entire way. Instead she and her friend did cartwheels for part of every mile. It not only was fun but provided an opportunity for us to discuss the many ways you can help others and why as a community it is vitally important that we do so.
A friend of mine does something I consider truly inspiring. For the twelve days leading up to Christmas she gives her family a gift requiring graciousness each day and asks that they think about doing the same. One day the gift may be “enthusiasm” and the next the gift of “undivided attention”. She includes surprise, wonder, joy and so on. It takes creativity and energy to come up with actions that represent thoughtfulness and mindful action.
My grown kids no longer roll their eyes when I ask them what they intend to do this year that’s not about themselves. When philanthropy is taught at young ages as opposed to later when the primary concern is padding their college resumes, it becomes a part of their identity and who they are. It’s not always easy and it takes some work but the outcome is well worth the price of admission. Besides, you end up with people who are far more “gracious than greedy”.
Friday, December 17, 2010
Monday, October 18, 2010
Brains & Braun
Try this. Sit at your desk for seven hours straight with only two twenty minute breaks. One for lunch and one to move around. Can you stay focused and do your best work? This is what we ask of our kids, five days a week nine months out of the year. Now that time allotted for physical education and recess has been drastically reduced this is what their day looks like. I don’t know about anyone else but if I take a break and go for a walk or a bike ride I’m actually more productive and focused when I return to my desk.
Recess and P.E. are necessary. It’s where kids learn about their bodies, de-stress and unwind. They need time when they do not have to prove themselves to their parents or coaches and are not put in performance situations as they are in competitive sports. In addition they need time for sports and games that are not adult directed. Kids develop valuable social skills by making up their own games, picking their own teams, creating their own rules and solving their own disputes.
According to The National Alliance for Youth Sports 75% of kids drop out of organized sports by age 13. This year alone that would mean approximately 40 million boys and girls. Just when we want to keep them busy! When surveyed the main reason given for dropping out is that it’s not fun anymore. We need to put the fun back into sports. When kids play sand lot sports they own the life lessons they learn, whether it’s teamwork, leadership, accountability, problem solving, character building…the list goes on. Within this dynamic they discover who they are and how they fit in. Decisions are not made for them and structure is not provided. They are the “boss of them” for better or for worse!
I recently read a New York Times Magazine article titled “Phys Ed: Can Exercise Make Kids Smarter?” All of us wildly ambitious parents need to read the full article. The author sites compelling studies both long and short term that provide evidence that “being fit may enhance nuerocognition” and “that as little as 20 minutes of aerobic exercise before a test raised childrens scores.” Another study in Sweden found that “among more than a million 18-year-old boys who joined the army, better fitness was correlated with higher I.Q.’s, even among identical twins. There’s no evidence that exercise leads to higher I.Q., but researchers suspect that aerobic exercise, not strength training, produces specific growth factors and proteins that stimulate the brain.”
Getting kids to move is really not very difficult….asking them to sit still can be. I thought it would be interesting to try a little experiment. Both adults and kids can try this. Take away all unnecessary electronic equipment for one day. (Obviously computers are needed for homework) I’m talking video games, cell phones, television, iPods etc. Now attach a pedometer to your belt or pocket. On another day utilize the pedometer using electronics as you would on a normal day. The outcome is pretty predictable but the actual numbers on the pedometer may surprise you. Now multiply the number times 365 days a year and the sedentary days in front of the computer or television etc. really add up. Obviously none of us are going to give up our electronics, but if there is awareness, maybe it will inspire us to cut back our usage of some of these things and get up and move a little more.
The way adults model and view exercise is worth exploring as well as our kids tend to adopt their parents practices. There is a reason the word work is in workout. It’s great that we take pride in keeping ourselves healthy and fit. But I contend that it’s difficult to sustain a lifetime of consistent fitness habits when it’s work!! Going to the gym and pedaling a bike going nowhere is tough to do day in and day out. Realistically if the workout is fun and engaging we’ll be more apt to go back and do it the next day. I took up ice hockey well into my forties and couldn’t believe the workout I got and the fun I had! I’ve never played a sport I enjoy so much but have so little aptitude for! Regardless, every time I tie my skates I feel excitement. If team sports isn’t your thing how about dance or martial arts to name a few. If you live in a place with bike paths get out of the car and ride and walk more. Take the stairs and park your car further from the grocery store. As examples for our kids let’s model a life in motion. As long as we’re moving it’s got to be good. My experience has been that to sustain lifelong fitness we need to make it a habit and just as importantly feel the joy in it!
Recess and P.E. are necessary. It’s where kids learn about their bodies, de-stress and unwind. They need time when they do not have to prove themselves to their parents or coaches and are not put in performance situations as they are in competitive sports. In addition they need time for sports and games that are not adult directed. Kids develop valuable social skills by making up their own games, picking their own teams, creating their own rules and solving their own disputes.
According to The National Alliance for Youth Sports 75% of kids drop out of organized sports by age 13. This year alone that would mean approximately 40 million boys and girls. Just when we want to keep them busy! When surveyed the main reason given for dropping out is that it’s not fun anymore. We need to put the fun back into sports. When kids play sand lot sports they own the life lessons they learn, whether it’s teamwork, leadership, accountability, problem solving, character building…the list goes on. Within this dynamic they discover who they are and how they fit in. Decisions are not made for them and structure is not provided. They are the “boss of them” for better or for worse!
I recently read a New York Times Magazine article titled “Phys Ed: Can Exercise Make Kids Smarter?” All of us wildly ambitious parents need to read the full article. The author sites compelling studies both long and short term that provide evidence that “being fit may enhance nuerocognition” and “that as little as 20 minutes of aerobic exercise before a test raised childrens scores.” Another study in Sweden found that “among more than a million 18-year-old boys who joined the army, better fitness was correlated with higher I.Q.’s, even among identical twins. There’s no evidence that exercise leads to higher I.Q., but researchers suspect that aerobic exercise, not strength training, produces specific growth factors and proteins that stimulate the brain.”
Getting kids to move is really not very difficult….asking them to sit still can be. I thought it would be interesting to try a little experiment. Both adults and kids can try this. Take away all unnecessary electronic equipment for one day. (Obviously computers are needed for homework) I’m talking video games, cell phones, television, iPods etc. Now attach a pedometer to your belt or pocket. On another day utilize the pedometer using electronics as you would on a normal day. The outcome is pretty predictable but the actual numbers on the pedometer may surprise you. Now multiply the number times 365 days a year and the sedentary days in front of the computer or television etc. really add up. Obviously none of us are going to give up our electronics, but if there is awareness, maybe it will inspire us to cut back our usage of some of these things and get up and move a little more.
The way adults model and view exercise is worth exploring as well as our kids tend to adopt their parents practices. There is a reason the word work is in workout. It’s great that we take pride in keeping ourselves healthy and fit. But I contend that it’s difficult to sustain a lifetime of consistent fitness habits when it’s work!! Going to the gym and pedaling a bike going nowhere is tough to do day in and day out. Realistically if the workout is fun and engaging we’ll be more apt to go back and do it the next day. I took up ice hockey well into my forties and couldn’t believe the workout I got and the fun I had! I’ve never played a sport I enjoy so much but have so little aptitude for! Regardless, every time I tie my skates I feel excitement. If team sports isn’t your thing how about dance or martial arts to name a few. If you live in a place with bike paths get out of the car and ride and walk more. Take the stairs and park your car further from the grocery store. As examples for our kids let’s model a life in motion. As long as we’re moving it’s got to be good. My experience has been that to sustain lifelong fitness we need to make it a habit and just as importantly feel the joy in it!
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Got a Case of the Gimmies
Got a Case of the “Gimmies”
Ok, I admit it. I have a bad case of the “gimmies”, even though I already have way too much stuff. I’ve been shopping and I really want this pair of shoes that have my name on them. Also saw some new throw pillows with a matching rug that would freshen up the look of the house for summer. But in order to buy more stuff, I need to get rid of some other stuff because my house is bursting at the seams with “STUFF”!!!
As with most recent behaviors it’s cause for reflection. It seems every newspaper and magazine article I read these days screams reuse, recycle, repurpose. So, I will own up to a bit of guilt at not making more of an effort.
Green is the new skinny preached from every magazine cover…and boy do we strut our stuff. It’s no longer cool to be “piggy”, with regard to our planets’ resources. We proudly tote our reusable grocery bags to the market and place our recycling bins on the curbside for trash day. It’s a great start, but we all know we have a long, long way to go.
Our dependence on foreign oil for energy is scary and now it seems we’ll be dependent on Al Qaeda for lithium. Aren’t batteries made from that? If the previous two statements aren’t compelling enough reasons to further change our habits, then you need not read on.
In 2007 in San Francisco, California they banned the use of plastic bags in large super markets and large chain pharmacies. Current legislation proposes to prohibit grocery stores from even offering plastic bags beginning 2012 and takes it even further to include smaller stores by 2013. The average elementary school student generates 70 lbs. of trash each year! As a country we just use too much stuff! We’re a bit like children refusing to clean up their room after being nagged continually to do so and then asking for more toys. Do we really need to wait for our politicians to legislate responsible environmental behavior?
Passing along responsibility to the next generation or expecting others to solve our problems is no longer acceptable. We’ve come to learn that there are huge consequences for our behaviors and that future generations will pay the price for either our lack of awareness or for our greediness. It’s time to show and teach our children how to be gracious not greedy. Role modeling is the best way I know of to do that.
I ask that you join me in pledging to change two or three habits for the next few months. If you don’t like my choices, even better I challenge you to make up your own. But, don’t be too easy on yourself…there are consequences.
For one month I pledge to NOT buy any new “stuff” that I really don’t need. This one will be challenging as I’ve also been eyeing this beautiful Coach purse that I’ve yet to purchase. But as I think about it, I really do not want to advertise for Coach (the labels are on the outside of their purses), and I absolutely do not want to be defined by my clothing or accessory labels! Let’s show our kids in one more way how we can be defined by our character.
For one month I pledge TO turn off the water while I’m brushing my teeth.
For one month I pledge to bring my “smartcycle” (smartcycle.com) reusable produce bags to the market to reduce the number of plastic bags I use for fruit and veges.
Here’s a thought. Choose a holiday in the next year for which your family normally buys you “stuff”. Suggest to them that instead of buying you more stuff that they make a donation in your name to a charity you’re particularly fond of. It’s a win – win….you’re demonstrating that you’re gracious and certainly not greedy!
If you enjoyed this posting please pass it along.
Ok, I admit it. I have a bad case of the “gimmies”, even though I already have way too much stuff. I’ve been shopping and I really want this pair of shoes that have my name on them. Also saw some new throw pillows with a matching rug that would freshen up the look of the house for summer. But in order to buy more stuff, I need to get rid of some other stuff because my house is bursting at the seams with “STUFF”!!!
As with most recent behaviors it’s cause for reflection. It seems every newspaper and magazine article I read these days screams reuse, recycle, repurpose. So, I will own up to a bit of guilt at not making more of an effort.
Green is the new skinny preached from every magazine cover…and boy do we strut our stuff. It’s no longer cool to be “piggy”, with regard to our planets’ resources. We proudly tote our reusable grocery bags to the market and place our recycling bins on the curbside for trash day. It’s a great start, but we all know we have a long, long way to go.
Our dependence on foreign oil for energy is scary and now it seems we’ll be dependent on Al Qaeda for lithium. Aren’t batteries made from that? If the previous two statements aren’t compelling enough reasons to further change our habits, then you need not read on.
In 2007 in San Francisco, California they banned the use of plastic bags in large super markets and large chain pharmacies. Current legislation proposes to prohibit grocery stores from even offering plastic bags beginning 2012 and takes it even further to include smaller stores by 2013. The average elementary school student generates 70 lbs. of trash each year! As a country we just use too much stuff! We’re a bit like children refusing to clean up their room after being nagged continually to do so and then asking for more toys. Do we really need to wait for our politicians to legislate responsible environmental behavior?
Passing along responsibility to the next generation or expecting others to solve our problems is no longer acceptable. We’ve come to learn that there are huge consequences for our behaviors and that future generations will pay the price for either our lack of awareness or for our greediness. It’s time to show and teach our children how to be gracious not greedy. Role modeling is the best way I know of to do that.
I ask that you join me in pledging to change two or three habits for the next few months. If you don’t like my choices, even better I challenge you to make up your own. But, don’t be too easy on yourself…there are consequences.
For one month I pledge to NOT buy any new “stuff” that I really don’t need. This one will be challenging as I’ve also been eyeing this beautiful Coach purse that I’ve yet to purchase. But as I think about it, I really do not want to advertise for Coach (the labels are on the outside of their purses), and I absolutely do not want to be defined by my clothing or accessory labels! Let’s show our kids in one more way how we can be defined by our character.
For one month I pledge TO turn off the water while I’m brushing my teeth.
For one month I pledge to bring my “smartcycle” (smartcycle.com) reusable produce bags to the market to reduce the number of plastic bags I use for fruit and veges.
Here’s a thought. Choose a holiday in the next year for which your family normally buys you “stuff”. Suggest to them that instead of buying you more stuff that they make a donation in your name to a charity you’re particularly fond of. It’s a win – win….you’re demonstrating that you’re gracious and certainly not greedy!
If you enjoyed this posting please pass it along.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Guilty As Charged
My 40th high school reunion is quickly approaching and I’m sniffin sixty. I’m trying hard not to obsess about the extra 10 lbs, the gobbler that seems to be growing under my chin, or the ever increasing wrinkles that have appeared on my face since the 30th reunion. I admit to thoughts like “How will I measure up” to the others in my class. I have some hard decisions to make. How far will I go to fit into our cultures’ narrow definition of beauty? And let’s be honest. We wish we were defined more by our character and accomplishments but know that we are too often sized up by our looks. Exactly how much do I want to spend (time and money) and how much do I want to torture myself…..and let’s not be naive, torture it is.
I challenge each one of us to take a test. You won’t have to reveal your score, but I contend that it needs accessing. How many of these things have you done and often times more than once?
Injected botox (poison) into our faces to freeze to them in time.
Applied “acid” peels to our skin in an effort to peel away the layers of time and yes it is acid!
Taken “ knives” to our bodies/faces.
Had the fat sucked out of our bodies.
Plumped our lips with unnatural chemicals.
Put hot wax in places no one sees to “rip” out unbecoming hair.
Had make-up tattooed on our faces, drawing blood with “needles” so we can look perfect even as crawl out of bed in the morning.
Used chemicals on our eyelashes so that they will grow longer.
Chemically dyed our hair so that there is not one trace of grey.
Sprayed chemicals on our bodies so that we look like we’ve been to the beach and maybe hide a flaw or two of cellulite.
Exercised ourselves silly.
Gone on the “cabbage soup diet, the no white diet, the macro-biotic diet, the grapefruit diet..….you get the picture.
If you can admit to at least some of these things, please continue reading. Does any of this scream “unhealthy” to you? Is there no part of our bodies that is free from criticism and hatred? I’m not suggesting that all of us don’t need some upkeep and maintenance and staying strong and healthy are important and lofty goals, but haven’t we taken this to an extreme? Where is the balance between natural and pampered? It’s almost as if we can’t be seen in public unless we’re in costume!
What exactly is the price for all of this? Without a doubt we spend an outrageous amount of money on all of these things. But I’m wondering if the time spent could be more valuably allocated? To keep up this regimen, our daughters are going to have to make a whole lot more money than we did just to “fit-in” to the acceptable standard of beauty for their generation as the bar is set higher and higher. And even though “curves” and “booty” are more desirable than they used to be (we all owe a big thank you to J-Lo and Beyonce) we still are constantly bombarded with media messages touting beautiful, thin, ageless women as the ideal. How about the actresses and models that lose all of their “baby weight” in mere weeks after giving birth? We deify them. Can’t we simply enjoy and revel in the wonder of a new child before propelling ourselves once again onto the endless pathway of pursuing perfection? Is this something we want to perpetuate and pass along as our legacy…that we fought aging with a vengeance or that we gracefully aged?
I’m not implying that we shouldn’t take pride in our appearance. I’m saying that we should at least question our motivations and not mindlessly accept the herd mentality of looking younger/beautiful is more desirable. Maybe if we honor more of our beauty from within we’ll be able to accept and look for that in others.
I asked my twenty year old son what he thought of all this and why the majority of men do not go to such extremes. His answer was immediate and familiar. As he put it “Our culture touts different standards for men and women. Men consider themselves superior if they are financially successful, good athletes, or powerful for whatever reason (which in itself begs examination). With women it seems that they feel superior if they’re recognized for their appearance and intelligence in that order” Of course he’s speaking in generalities but I had to admit that in my experience it rang hauntingly true.
How do we start to end this madness? If I had the answers I’d start a 12 step recovery program and make millions selling my idea. Maybe our time has come. Let’s stop talking the language of “younger and prettier”, and make a deliberate effort NOT to pass all of this craziness on to the next generation. Let’s find balance. There’s a different kind of beauty that comes with each “passage” in life. If we see that in ourselves and respect that, possibly the rest of the world will too! We need to be better role models for our daughters and all of the young women in the world. If we don’t accept ourselves in some measure, how can we expect the younger versions of us to do the same? If they see us continually modifying ourselves, whether it’s a breast enhancement surgery, a face lift or excessive dieting and exercising, that becomes their “normal”. Maybe our focus needs to be raising healthy women from the inside out as opposed to the outside in.
Gotta run. I’m late for my bikini wax appointment and then off to my kick boxing class, so that I will look good for my reunion. I guess my internal self worth measuring stick has failed me again!
If this speaks to you please pass this message along.
I challenge each one of us to take a test. You won’t have to reveal your score, but I contend that it needs accessing. How many of these things have you done and often times more than once?
Injected botox (poison) into our faces to freeze to them in time.
Applied “acid” peels to our skin in an effort to peel away the layers of time and yes it is acid!
Taken “ knives” to our bodies/faces.
Had the fat sucked out of our bodies.
Plumped our lips with unnatural chemicals.
Put hot wax in places no one sees to “rip” out unbecoming hair.
Had make-up tattooed on our faces, drawing blood with “needles” so we can look perfect even as crawl out of bed in the morning.
Used chemicals on our eyelashes so that they will grow longer.
Chemically dyed our hair so that there is not one trace of grey.
Sprayed chemicals on our bodies so that we look like we’ve been to the beach and maybe hide a flaw or two of cellulite.
Exercised ourselves silly.
Gone on the “cabbage soup diet, the no white diet, the macro-biotic diet, the grapefruit diet..….you get the picture.
If you can admit to at least some of these things, please continue reading. Does any of this scream “unhealthy” to you? Is there no part of our bodies that is free from criticism and hatred? I’m not suggesting that all of us don’t need some upkeep and maintenance and staying strong and healthy are important and lofty goals, but haven’t we taken this to an extreme? Where is the balance between natural and pampered? It’s almost as if we can’t be seen in public unless we’re in costume!
What exactly is the price for all of this? Without a doubt we spend an outrageous amount of money on all of these things. But I’m wondering if the time spent could be more valuably allocated? To keep up this regimen, our daughters are going to have to make a whole lot more money than we did just to “fit-in” to the acceptable standard of beauty for their generation as the bar is set higher and higher. And even though “curves” and “booty” are more desirable than they used to be (we all owe a big thank you to J-Lo and Beyonce) we still are constantly bombarded with media messages touting beautiful, thin, ageless women as the ideal. How about the actresses and models that lose all of their “baby weight” in mere weeks after giving birth? We deify them. Can’t we simply enjoy and revel in the wonder of a new child before propelling ourselves once again onto the endless pathway of pursuing perfection? Is this something we want to perpetuate and pass along as our legacy…that we fought aging with a vengeance or that we gracefully aged?
I’m not implying that we shouldn’t take pride in our appearance. I’m saying that we should at least question our motivations and not mindlessly accept the herd mentality of looking younger/beautiful is more desirable. Maybe if we honor more of our beauty from within we’ll be able to accept and look for that in others.
I asked my twenty year old son what he thought of all this and why the majority of men do not go to such extremes. His answer was immediate and familiar. As he put it “Our culture touts different standards for men and women. Men consider themselves superior if they are financially successful, good athletes, or powerful for whatever reason (which in itself begs examination). With women it seems that they feel superior if they’re recognized for their appearance and intelligence in that order” Of course he’s speaking in generalities but I had to admit that in my experience it rang hauntingly true.
How do we start to end this madness? If I had the answers I’d start a 12 step recovery program and make millions selling my idea. Maybe our time has come. Let’s stop talking the language of “younger and prettier”, and make a deliberate effort NOT to pass all of this craziness on to the next generation. Let’s find balance. There’s a different kind of beauty that comes with each “passage” in life. If we see that in ourselves and respect that, possibly the rest of the world will too! We need to be better role models for our daughters and all of the young women in the world. If we don’t accept ourselves in some measure, how can we expect the younger versions of us to do the same? If they see us continually modifying ourselves, whether it’s a breast enhancement surgery, a face lift or excessive dieting and exercising, that becomes their “normal”. Maybe our focus needs to be raising healthy women from the inside out as opposed to the outside in.
Gotta run. I’m late for my bikini wax appointment and then off to my kick boxing class, so that I will look good for my reunion. I guess my internal self worth measuring stick has failed me again!
If this speaks to you please pass this message along.
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